


Always, Maybe

by lexiestark



Category: Reboot Star Trek, Star Trek, Star Trek (Reboot), Star Trek: Into Darkness - Fandom
Genre: Action, Angst, Drama, F/M, Friendship, Heterosexuality, M/M, Male Homosexuality
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2013-08-14
Updated: 2015-02-17
Packaged: 2017-12-22 14:07:34
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 7
Words: 9,337
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/914102
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lexiestark/pseuds/lexiestark
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Jim and Spock are together ever since the aftermath of the events that resulted in the destruction of Vulcan, which was also when Bones started dating Elisa Foster, the U.S.S Enterprise communications officer, who him and Jim met three years back and became friends with. Now they’re off to face with another deadly villain, while dealing with the fiery end of the two relationships, and all the obstacles they’ll have to conquer to get back together - that is if they still want to. Moreover, the threat inside their ship might meddle in more than they expect it to.</p><p>P.S: The story is grounded in the events of the 2013 movie Star Trek: Into Darkness, and Elisa’s role substitutes both Uhura’s and Carol Marcus’.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Prologue

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hiya! This is my first Spirk and I have a lot of feels and that's it kbye

– I don't know what I'm supposed to do next, Lis – Jim looked at his glass of whiskey as he sat by the bar.  
  
– What are you, kidding me? You already got the green-blooded hobgoblin to come to a freaking bar. I'm pretty sure that's the hardest part – Elisa patted his back and walked away, leaving him with a smile on his face.  
  
Before focusing back on his "task", Jim looked back to see their two best friends sitting side by side once again, as they had many times before. He laughed at the realization that the only two people who wouldn't admit that Leonard and Elisa were completely in love each other were Leonard and Elisa. If confronted, they would probably say that the reason they were whispering in each other's ears was because of the loud music, and that they were laughing at Jim and not out of flirtation. The three years of friendship Kirk had with the two and the amount of alcohol stored in his system had him urging to stand up and go tell them to just kiss already, but he stopped right after leaving his seat.  
  
He had something more important to do.  
  
Spock looked bored, which was no surprise. But he also looked interested in talking to Kirk, deviating his look whenever it seemed like he had stared at another point for long enough. He maintained his always straight up position, as he sat in the rear of a line of sottish Starfleet officers. Kirk walked up to him with an utmost confidence thrust upon him, collapsing behind the round wooden table and attracting the Vulcan's attention.  
  
– Bet I can guess what you're thinking.  
  
Spock didn't reply to Jim's smirk, or his statement. He just looked at him, appalled, as his eyes studied the influence of that devilish drink in the human behavior. He then narrowed his eyes, waiting for the Captain to carry on. Jim pointed at Spock with the index finger of the hand that faithfully held his glass.  
  
– You're thinking that you wish you knew what was the sociably acceptable time to leave.  
  
Jim was pretty drunk, but he could've sworn he saw the projection of a smile in the corner of his friend's lips. Spock then looked down for a bit, staring at his crossed hands before traveling his sight back at the pair of blue eyes.  
  
– I'm afraid your assumption is correct, Captain. I appreciate the invite, but I seem to not be enjoying this human form of fun – Spock's answer caused Kirk to widen up a smile, and instead of apologizing, or showing any sorrow at all, he offered the challenge.  
  
– Have you ever had alcohol, Mr. Spock?  
  
– The amount of alcohol needed to bring humans to this state has no effect on Vulcans, Captain – he answered sharply.  
  
– But you're part human. Didn't you ever have the curiosity?  
  
– The only curiosity is regarding the reason why humans make use of this drink, which I fail to understand.  
  
Jim looked down and breathed a laugh as his arms crossed and rested over the table. Then he looked back up at Spock.  
  
– It makes us expose our feelings with more ease. It might do you some good.  
  
– It might do me nothing – Spock looked away.  
  
– Let's find out then – Kirk smiled once more and got up – I'll fetch you something light.  
  
Jim stumbled on his feet and ignored Spock's eye roll, steading himself up and slowly walking away.  
  
– Two glasses of scotch on the rocks, please – he smiled towards the bartender and then sat down to wait for his order.  
  
When Jim spun the seat around, he was struck by the surprising view ahead of him. Elisa and Leonard, sitting on the couch they were previously just talking at, were now kissing passionately. Jim laughed at that sight, but then was taken from his conscious. Maybe it was time for him to finally let out his feelings as well. It's not like his friends had come to their consciousness and admit it themselves, they were just completely drunk to speed the process – but then again so was he. And the attempt to bring Spock to the same condition could only help, he figured.  
  
Jim walked back almost in a hurry, and tried his best to sit straight this time. He rested both glasses over the table and looked at Spock like a mother looks at their child, waiting for them to finish lunch. The Vulcan received the message somehow, but hesitated to make any moves until Kirk would pick up his own glass.   
  
– Come on, Spock – Jim pushed the glass towards him and then picked the other one up, keeping it lifted for a click – It won't hurt you.  
  
– I am not sure that's entirely true.  
  
With one precise movement, Spock's hand articulated the necessary movement to take the sip directly into his mouth. Jim twitched his lip and raised his glass, before start to drink as well. When he lowered it down after mere seconds, he noticed Spock had already finished his glass and had to gasp.  
  
– Good god! You know what, why don't you take this? – Jim put his glass on the table and dragged to Spock – Obviously you need it more than I do.  
  
This time he watched as the one sitting beside him ingested all of the alcohol at once, without ever resting the glass down, other than once it was completely empty.   
  
And then he did it again. And again.  
  
Ten times he did it. It took Spock ten glasses to get to a state where he was considerably dizzy and words felt like they were flying around randomly. It felt awful.  
  
"I'm sorry about your mother, Spock."  
  
"Well, your whole planet."  
  
He was somehow convinced by Kirk that he should "steady himself up" by having beer now. The bitterness went down his throat, but it felt good. It brought it all out. Sentiment.  
  
"... and then I felt the same way, when my planet was in danger."  
  
"I guess, what I'm trying to say is..."  
  
"Spock!"  
  
It was like a wakeup call. This time Jim wasn't laid back on his sit, legs spread wide and head thrown back. He was up straight and his body turned towards Spock's side, looking straight into the eyes that turned to him.  
  
– I need you to actually listen this time.  
  
He looked at his Captain with widened eyes that were almost frightened, from what was happening to him. Again, he chose not to speak, and kept his stare long enough so that Kirk could continue to whatever it is he was saying.  
  
– What I'm trying to say is that... I get it – Kirk was surprisingly keeping his eyes fixated on Spock's, and the Vulcan was somewhat envious for how he had much more experience in being drunk.  
  
 _Fucking hell. Why can't I just get this right?_ Kirk wanted to punch himself in the face. Sure, letting out feelings had never been his area, but the way he felt, he thought he'd be able to shout it from the rooftops. And to make it worse, the one who had to know of his feelings wasn't familiar with that area himself. _Shit, shit, shit_. He considered walking away.  
  
But he couldn't move.  
  
Spock chose to lightly nod, reclining back in the seat. _Your move, James_. He wondered whether Spock kept throwing the ball back to his court because he didn't understand what he meant or because he didn't want to deal with it. Probably both. It's how Jim felt himself, anyway. Captain Kirk cleared his throat more times than necessary and did once more that movement that hurt the same much as it was good; looking right into Spock's brown irises.  
  
– Look, I just want you to know that... I'm here for you. If you want my help.  
  
At the end of the sentence, he decidedly put his hand over the table, causing Spock to look at it as it now rested inches away from his own. It looked like a man with a certified decision to hold his loved one's hand – only Jim didn't go that far. _He gets it. He fucking gets it now_. Jim could tell by Spock's deep sigh, and how he started to nervously tremble his fingers on the wood.  
  
 _Come on, one more move. I can do this. I need to be sure he knows what I mean._  
  
Now both of them were looking at the pair of hands in the table, and Kirk started moving his hands sideways painfully slowly. Every second, hell, every millisecond that passed, he thought about pulling back and running away. Because before this moment, he was scared that Spock wouldn't return his feelings and he would ruin everything between them; whatever it was they had that far. But the thing is that he was standing shockingly still – and that was so much more terrifying. The two sets of eyes stared eagerly at the table, as if the collision of the hands didn't depend on either, and they were mere spectators. Their eyes were spectators of their hearts, which for once were taking control.  
  
And then it turned out that Spock's pulsing organ could also feel palpitations – that could also lead to impulsions. And Kirk learned that in a memorable way, that would certainly have him change his beliefs regarding the possibility of any future between those two – which he wasn't even sure he wanted, or else he didn't want to admit so. It was the blink of an eye before he realized the Vulcan's warm hand now rested over his own, and his eyes now slowly traveled up. Maybe it was because he suddenly felt coy from the exposure or because he couldn't quite assimilate what was happening, but it was a full minute before Kirk had the courage to look up and face Spock once again. When he did, he saw a sheer of reluctance in his eyes, which was the message he believed to be delivering with his look as well.  
  
But they didn't let go.  
  
They just stood still, hand on hand, eyes on eyes, for so long they forgot that many co-workers – although not in their best judgment – could have inquired them about what the hell was going on there. Eventually, they would slightly move a finger or a leg, build up the flimsiest corner of a smile, or blink into another direction. But no words. No words until after a good ten minutes or so, when Spock let his mind win him over by deciding he had to actually say the words, and not only transmit them through looks to the human.  
  
– I will take it.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is pretty much the same as the first scene of Into Darkness, only with a few details about the couples added. Also, I was listening and writing down from a very crappy download of the movie, so if I wrote something wrong and/or that doesn't make sense, please let me know. Xxx

The creatures were pacing up behind them. And those plants kept being shoved in his sight when he already couldn't see straight from the clothing covering his face. Oh, how he missed the calmness of the ship. _Dammit Jim, I'm a doctor, not an athlete_.  
  
– Captain – Spock called from the transmitter – Did the indigenous life form see you?  
  
– No, Mr. Spock, they did not! – he shouted while running. He had to smile, and then respond the same way, at how Spock still felt like he needed to call him Captain. _We're in a work environment, Captain_ , he'd say. Like someone in the crew didn't know about them.  
  
– The prime directive clearly states there can be no interference with the internal development of the alien civilization.  
  
– I know what it says! Which is why we're running through the jungle, running from these guys! Now blow off your super ice cube, and let's go! – he yelled. – Kirk out!  
  
The speed kept on increasing, and the aliens were now throwing arrows at them.   
  
– They're trying to kill us! – McCoy shouted – Jim, they're trying to kill us!  
  
– Captain! – Sulu called from the transmitter – I'm leaving the shuttle, you're gonna have to make it to the Enterprise on your own.  
  
– Wonderful! – Kirk replied.  
  
– Jim! The beach is that way! – McCoy pointed.  
  
– We're not going to the beach!  
  
– No, no, no, no! – Leonard complained – I HATE THIS!  
  
– I know you do! – Jim shouted back at Bones as they ran.   
  
Now they knew what was coming next. There was nothing left to do, but run. And jump. The cliff ended suddenly, and before Leonard realized it, him and Jim were jumping off to the sea, and diving into it.  
  
– Do you have any idea how ridiculous this is? – Scotty showed up, observing as the completely soaked Bones and Jim recovered. – We've been hiding here since last night!  
  
– Scotty – Jim took a step forward – Where is Spock?  
  
– He's still down there – Scott replied to an already running Jim, and Leonard followed.  
  
– Captain on the bridge! – Chekov announced when Jim and Leonard ran in.  
  
– Are you okay? – the brunette startled off her seat.  
  
– He's fine – Jim pat McCoy on the shoulder, while he dramatically recovered his breath – Hey, Lis – he smiled and she smiled back.  
  
After Jim walked away, Elisa shot her green eyes back at Leonard. He was now freezed, looking at her, and she ran her hand through his wet hair. He then gently moved forward and pressed his lips against hers, and so she wrapped her hands around his neck. Leonard gripped Elisa's waist and kissed her fiercely, as they momentarily forgot the world around them.  
  
– Hello, you two care to help? – Jim yelled from his chair, and the couple broke apart.  
  
– Show some respect, I just got my man back – Elisa replied while walking to the center of the bridge.  
  
– Yeah, well now you help me get mine – Kirk breathed out. – So tell me, Lieutenant, what's the stat on Mr. Spock?  
  
– The heat's fried him coms, but we still have contact – Elisa regained her serious posture.  
  
– Spock! – Kirk called through the transmitter.  
  
– I have activated the device, Captain, but when the countdown is complete the reaction should bring to the volcano inert.  
  
– Yeah, and that's gonna render him inert! – McCoy shouted.  
  
– Do we have initial transports? – Captain Kirk requested.  
  
– Negative – Sulu answered.  
  
– Not with these magnetic fields – Chekov completed.  
  
– I need to beam Spock back to the ship, give me one way to do it!  
  
– Maybe if we cut a direct line of...  
  
– Forget it, man! – Scott interrupted Chekov – We're talking about an active volcano, sir – he turned to Kirk – If that thing erupts, I can't guarantee that we can withstand the heat!  
  
– I don't know that we can maintain that kind of altitude – Sulu contributed once more.  
  
– Our shuttle was concealed by the ash cloud, but the Enterprise is too large. At any attempt of rescue, it would be unveiled to the endangered species – Spock stated, and Elisa saw the despair slightly build up on Jim's expression.  
  
– Spock, nobody knows the rules better than you, but there's got to be an exception! – Jim yelled.  
  
– No. Such action violates the prime directive.  
  
– Shut up, Spock, we're trying to save you, dammit! – McCoy raged.  
  
– Doctor, the needs of the many outweigh the needs of the few.  
  
– SPOCK, WE'RE TALKING ABOUT YOUR LIFE! – Jim stated before feeling Elisa's supporting hand on his shoulder.  
  
– The rule cannot be... – Before Spock could continue, the communication was cut off, which caused Kirk to just stand there in shock for a while. He took a few steps back and held the hand Elisa offered.  
  
– Try to get him back online – McCoy said in a low voice and Elisa ran away to fix the problem.  
  
– Ninety seconds to detonation – Chekov announced.  
  
As Elisa worked the handles and technical issues, Jim cleared his throat and asked his best friend:  
  
– If Spock were here and I were there... What would he do?  
  
A brief silence followed, but Leonard then stated the comeback.  
  
– He'd let you die – he answered.  
  
– Dammit, I can't get to him! – Elisa stood up irritated. She walked closer to Jim and watched him sit on his chair, unable to move any further from the shock. He kept looking forward, and when he could speak it was barely audible.  
  
– There's no other way.  
  
Everyone on the bridge was in silence. Nobody could think of anything left to do, at least then. They all looked down and the only sound that could be heard was the noise from the attempts of regaining communication. Elisa suddenly took a step back and announced:  
  
– There is one way.  
  
Spock looked around him in defeat, gazing upon all the lava and wreckage that collapsed at his sight. He stretched his arms, when finally giving up, and closed his eyes. Now he could only hear the sound of destruction. The last sound he'd hear. Suddenly, a strange feeling overcame him, and all at once, all those sounds were gone. Spock opened his eyes to the very realization that he was back aboard the Enterprise, and then saw the one he wanted to see running at him.  
  
– Spock! – Jim rushed in and stopped at the sight of him, as did McCoy. – Are you alright?  
  
– Captain, you let them see our ship – Spock answered.  
  
– Ah, he's fine – McCoy answered, walking away.  
  
– Bridge to Captain Kirk – the voiceover was heard.  
  
– Yes, Lieutenant?  
  
– Is Commander Spock on board, sir? – Elisa asked.  
  
– Safe and sound – she heard the answer and breathed relieved.  
  
– Please notify him that his device has successfully detonated – they heard Elisa's voice again, before she signed off.  
  
– Hear that? Congratulations, Spock – Jim smiled. – You just saved the world.  
  
– But you violated the prime directive – Spock replied.  
  
– Oh, come on Spock, they saw us. Big deal!  
  
Spock almost cracked a smile, and with a sheer of reluctance took out his hand, which Jim gracefully accepted, now breathing much steadier.  
  
Getting back on the bridge, Leonard found Elisa again, and she rose off her seat to be held under his strength. A full minute was needed until they could properly calm down and get back to normal.  
  
– You okay? – he ran his hand through her hair.  
  
– M-hm. We'll all be fine now.  
  
– Yeah. We will.


	3. Chapter 3

It certainly had been an agitated week among the Enterprise members. And it all started when the crew intervened in saving Spock's life. But they never imagined they would lose so much in the next days. Everything seemed fine, but it wasn't. It would all go down from there.

*

  
  
When Admiral Pike heard of Kirk breaking the protocol to save Spock, he immediately called him in for a conversation. Elisa could see the anger on Pike's face when he walked into his room, and all she wanted was to go there and tell him it was her fault. That she was the one who broke the protocol. But Leonard didn't let her. Kirk was about to pay for what she'd done by himself.  
  
– I have to go in there! I have to tell Pike it was my fault! – Elisa screamed in the hallways to a furious McCoy.  
  
– Lis, don't you see that that will do no good? – he replied in a voice just as loud as hers – It's not gonna change Kirk's fate, he's the captain of the ship! It's all on him.  
  
Elisa stared at Leonard with a fussy expression, before she sat down on a bench stuck to the wall. Spock had let it slip to her and Leonard that he had handed Admiral Pike a report on what happened the day of the volcano mission. Elisa was about to tell Spock about the part he didn't know, but Leonard didn't let her, so she was already mad at him for that. And now he wouldn't let her go talk to Pike and make justice.  
  
– Uneventful.  
  
– Admiral? – Jim inquired to Pike's statement.  
  
– That's how you described the survey in your captain's log.  
  
– Ah, yes sir, I didn't wanna waste your time going over everything – Jim replied as Spock stood next to him.  
  
– Yeah, tell me more about this volcano. Data says it was highly volatile, were to erupt it would wipe out the planet...  
  
– Yes, well, let's hope it doesn't, sir – Jim agreed.  
  
– Something tells me it won't – Pike looked at Spock.  
  
– Well, sir, volatile is all relative, maybe our data was off.  
  
– Or maybe it didn't erupt because Mr. Spock detonated the cold fusion device inside it, right after a civilization that's barely invented the wheel happened to see a starship rising out of their ocean! – the Admiral raged and turned to Spock – That is pretty much how you described it, is it not?  
  
– You filed a report? – Jim stared shocked at Spock – Why didn't you tell me?  
  
– I incorrectly assumed that you would be truthful in your captain's log.  
  
– Yeah, I would've been if I didn't have to save your life.  
  
– A fact for which I am immeasurably grateful, and the very reason I felt it necessary to take responsibility for the actions...  
  
– Wow, that's really, yeah – Jim breathed out a mocked laugh – That'd be so noble, Pointy, if you weren't also throwing me under the bus!  
  
– Pointy? Is that a derogative reference to...  
  
– Gentleman! – Pike interrupted – Starfleet's mandate is to explore and observe, not to interfere.  
  
– Had the mission gone according to plan, Admiral, the indigenous species would never have been aware of our interference.  
  
– That's a technicality!  
  
– I am Vulcan, sir, we embrace technicalities.  
  
– Are you giving me attitude, Spock?  
  
– I'm expressing multiple attitudes simultaneously, sir. To which are you referring?  
  
– Out! – Pike retorted. – You're dismissed, Commander.  
  
Spock's first sight when out of the Admiral's office was an infuriated Elisa arguing with Leonard. She made quick hand movements and was trying her best to keep her voice down. The Vulcan lowered his head and walked away.  
  
– Do you have any idea what a pain in the ass you were? – Pike looked at a random corner of the room, standing beside Jim.  
  
– I think so, sir.  
  
– So tell me what you've done wrong. What's the lesson to be learned here?  
  
– Never trust a Vulcan.  
  
– See? You can't even answer a question. You lied on an official report, you lied! – Pike turned to face Jim and walked over. – You think the rules don't apply to you just because you disagree with them!  
  
– That's why you talked me into signing up in the first place, it's why you gave me your ship.  
  
– I gave you my ship because I saw greatness in you. And now I see you haven't got an ounce of humility.  
  
– What was I supposed to do, let Spock die?  
  
– You're missing the point—  
  
– I don't think I am, sir! What would you have done?  
  
– I wouldn't have risked my first-officer's life in the first place! You were supposed to survey a planet, not alter its destiny! You violated a dozen Starfleet regulations, and almost got everyone under your command killed!  
  
– Except I didn't! – Kirk was now facing his superior – Do you know how many crew members I've lost since—  
  
– That's your problem, you...  
  
– None, not one!  
  
– You think you're infallible! You think you can't make a mistake, it's a pattern with you! The rules are for other people.  
  
– Some should be.  
  
– And what's worse is you're using blind luck to justify your playing God!  
  
The two just stared at each other for the next while, until their nerves were calmed and the voice tones brought back to normal.  
  
– Given the circumstances, this has been brought to Admiral Marcus' attention. He convened a special tribunal to which I was not invited. You understand what Starfleet regulations mandate be done at this point – Pike paused and watched as Kirk went silent and still. – They're taking the Enterprise away from you. They're sending it back to the Academy.  
  
– Admiral, listen. I understand regulation, but every decision I've made...  
  
– No, you don't listen to anybody but yourself!  
  
– Just—  
  
– No, I can't listen! – Pike yelled back – You don't comply with the rules, you don't take responsibility for anything, and you don't respect the chair. You know why? Because you're not ready for it.  
  
Jim stood still for a full minute. Pike gave up much earlier, walking back and sitting on his chair. Kirk dragged his body outside, walking slowly in what felt like a hundred pounds feet.  
  
– Oh yeah, cause you were so much help, saying that Spock would've let him die! – Elisa screamed, having given up on cordialities by then.  
  
– I was telling him the truth, I can't lie to him! – Leonard shouted. – Sometimes you have to do stuff like that for your best friend! Like breaking the rules.  
  
– It doesn't mean I don't have to take the consequences, Leonard!  
  
The couple's screams took over the almost empty corridor, but they were completely silent once they saw a slow-paced Jim walk out of Pike's room. They had failed to notice Spock leaving, a few minutes earlier, but now paid attention to their friend's worried look. The three stared at each other in silence before Jim pronounced himself.  
  
– I've lost the ship.  
  
He was looking at Elisa while saying that, and she swallowed dry in guilt. A shiver went through her body for thinking Jim blamed her. He was her best friend, the one that had never let her down, the one _she_ had never let down. All she knew from family by then. After he left, her instincts screamed at her to go in and talk to the Admiral, even if it wouldn't change Kirk's punishment. At least she'd have a clear conscience. But her walking failed. She could only take two steps before Leonard firmly gripped her wrist, and she looked back in fury.  
  
– Are you out of your mind? – she raged.  
  
– I've told you, you are not going there – he answered in a low voice, looking straight in her eyes. She let herself go from him and spoke very slowly.  
  
– Don't. Ever. Do that. Again.  
  
– I'll do whatever I want if I think it's the best for you. I'm your boyfriend.  
  
– You are not my anything – Elisa replied, turning back and walking away in the fastest pace she could, so that every one of the increasing amount of feelings had no opportunity to escape her.


	4. Chapter 4

 

_Another shot of whisky please bartender_

_Keep it coming until I don't remember at all_

_How bad it hurts when you're gone_

_Turn the music up a little bit louder_

_Just gotta get past the midnight hour_

_Maybe tomorrow it won't be this hard_

  
Elisa's eyes could do nothing but look down after giving Jim that fake smile she just had. She'd just used all of her remaining strength. There seemed to be no will left. After he had told her what had happened in Pike's office, he innocently asked how she was doing, in hopes that hearing a simple "fine", or a status update on his friends' relationship would get his mind off of Spock. But then she unraveled about how her and Bones had left it off earlier that day, and now Jim had yet another weigh onto his back. They both felt crushed, beaten, ended. Unwilling to go on.  
  
The ice spun around, and soon the dark whisky was being poured over it. The strong hands got a hold of it as soon as they could, traveling the glass up to its owner's mouth. Kirk looked to his right side, where two seats away was a stunning brunette. She instantly smiled at him and he returned.  
  
– Ow! – he felt Elisa punch his arm and turned to her.  
  
– Don't smile at her!  
  
– Why not? – he scowled. – I'm a single man.  
  
– No, you're not. Jesus Christ, can't you get over a little fight?  
  
– Oh, yeah? – Jim put down his beer bottle and confronted Elisa – What about you, uh?  
  
– Shut up – she uttered, rolling her eyes away.  
  
– No, I wanna know! I'm really curious, Lis! Are _you_ single? Can _you_ stand a little fight?  
  
– SHUT. UP. – Soon after Elisa had screamed at Jim, Admiral Pike sat down besides Kirk, making her recompose herself. She cleared her throat and straightened her position. – Admiral.  
  
– Lieutenant – he answered. – Can you give us a moment, please?  
  
– Sure – she smiled and walked away, without looking at Jim.  
  
– How did you find me? – Kirk rolled his eyes, looking back at his glass.  
  
– I know you better than you I think you do – Pike looked at his subordinate, pausing for a couple of seconds. – When I first found you was in a dive like this. Remember that? Got your ass handed to you.  
  
– No I didn't – Kirk laughed.  
  
– You didn't?  
  
– No, that's not what happened...  
  
– That was an epic beating.  
  
– No it wasn't.  
  
– You had napkins hanging out of your nose...– Pike reminded Jim – Did you not?  
  
– Yeah, that was a good fight – Kirk shook his head.  
  
– A good fight? I think that's your problem right there – Christopher looked down. – They gave it back to me. The Enterprise.  
  
– Congratulations. Watch your back with that first officer, though.  
  
– Spock's not going to work with me, He's been transferred. USS Bradbury. You are going to be  
my first officer – the Admiral watched as Jim looked genuinely surprised at him – Yeah, Marcus took some convincing... But every now and then I can make a good case.  
  
– What, what did you tell him?  
  
– The truth... That I believe in you. And if anybody deserves a second chance, its Jim Kirk.  
  
– I don't know what to say – Jim looked over to the side.  
  
– That is a first – Pike smiled and put his hand over Jim's shoulder – It's going to be okay, son.  
  
Pike's communicator rang, and after checking the message, he faced Kirk with a serious expression:  
  
– A emergency session at the Daystrom. That's us.  
  
– Yeah.  
  
– Suit up.  
  
Not too long after that, Jim was dressed up in his uniform and headed to the Daystrom room. And, of course, destiny played its hand and arranged the timing just perfectly so he would run into the one person he wanted to be away from. Spock said nothing when first seeing Jim, and as he entered the elevator, he hoped it would stay that way. _Oh, but it won't_ , he thought to himself. He knew how powerful Spock was at annoying him at the act of opening his mouth. And it did only take a word for him to start unleashing his anger.  
  
– Captain.  
  
– Not any more, Spock – Jim took a deep breath and kept facing forward – First officer. I was demoted. And you were resigned.  
  
– It is fortunate that the consequences were not more severe.  
  
– You gotta be kidding me – Kirk rolled his eyes.  
  
– Captain, my intention was not...  
  
– Not captain – he faced the Vulcan in frustration – I saved your life, Spock. You wrote a report, I lost my ship.  
  
– Commander, I see now I should alerted to the fact I submitted the report.  
  
– Now I'm, familiar with your compulsion to follow the rules, but see, I can’t do that. Where I come from, if someone saves your life you don't stab him at the back.  
  
– Vulcan's cannot not lie.  
  
– Then I'm talking to the half-human part of you. Do you understand why I went back for you?  
  
 _Why is it so hard for him to understand it?_  
  
– Commander Spock? – a voice interrupted. – I'm Frank Abbott, USS Bradbury. Guess you are with me.  
  
– Yes, Captain – Spock replied.  
  
– Look, Spock, maybe… Maybe it’s good that we’ll be away for a while.  
  
Spock cracked his mouth opened, and for a second, Jim hoped Spock would have an answer for that. But then he retracted and unformed his expression, causing Kirk to roll his eyes once more and huff. Jim walked away, and let his mind go wonder whether that would actually be good. For them to be away. After all, Kirk always felt it to be hard work to make their relationship functional, and that was with them together. But then he wasn't actually sure anymore whether he _wanted_ to make it work. He always gave all of himself to this relationship, and didn't really feel the reciprocation. And now Spock had just deliberately risked his life without a second thought.  
  
Elisa, on the other hand, tried her best to shut the thoughts down. She drowned in alcohol, a tactic she'd picked up from one of her best friends. She swallowed dried at the thought of that. Her two best friends were always, always by her side ever since she had signed up for the Academy. And now that she needed someone to talk to, someone to hold on to, to hug or even cry – yes, maybe she needed to cry, something she'd never done in front of them, or barely at all – where the hell were they? Both mad at her. Both had let her down. Maybe she did, too. They were all to blame. And the answer wasn't at the bottom of a glass, but keeping away from it didn't help either, so she went on.

 

*

  
– If you come across this man, you are authorized to use deadly force on the subject...  
  
Kirk barely paid attention to Admiral Marcus' words, focusing on the footage they had of John Harrison, the Starfleet officer who had been responsible for an archive of theirs being blown up earlier.  
  
– What's in the bag? – he asked Pike, who sat by his side.  
  
– James, not now.  
  
– Doesn't it seem odd to you that he targeted an archive? That's like bombing a library!  
  
– Chris, is everything okay there? – Marcus interfered.  
  
– Yes, sir. Mr. Kirk is just acclimating to his new position as first officer.  
  
– If you have something to say, Kirk, say it. Tomorrow is too late.  
  
– I'm fine Sir, my apologies.  
  
– Spit it out son, don't be shy.  
  
– It’s just… why the archive? All that information is public record... If he really wanted to damage Starfleet…. This could just be the beginning.  
  
– Beginning of what, Mr. Kirk?  
  
– Sir, in event of attack, protocol mandates that senior command gather Captains and first Officers at Starfleet HQ, right here… in this room.  
  
– It is curious Harrison would commandeer a jump ship without warp capability... – Spock started out being interrupted by what caught everyone's attention.  
  
Jim was taken by a loud noise, and turned to see a flashing red light come their way. That what he was suspicious about. Harrison was attacking.  
  
– Clear the room! – he shouted just before the ship broke through glass, and everyone went down to the floor.  
  
Many gunshots followed, as all Captains and First Officers tried to run away, dodge bullets, get past the broken glass, defend themselves and attack the intruder.  
  
"We need air defense team, Daystrom conference room."  
  
The sounds were suppressed around him, and he observed dizzily as people crawled away and screamed for help. Kirk put himself up to his feet, grabbing the first weapon he could find and initiating his hunt to take down Harrison.  
  
Spock, on the other hand, had in his hands a much bigger problem. Pike had already lost a lot of blood when Spock lied him down on a couch, away from the destroyed conference room. He knew there was no other way. They both did. Spock placed three fingers on the Admiral's face, and felt his agony. His suffering. It was a horrible an overwhelming load of feelings, and he went into despair when seeing that Pike was dropping a final tear, and then he was gone.  
  
He only had a few more seconds alone until Jim appeared. He prepared himself to face his look of shock, and when Jim looked into his own eyes, he wanted to have something he could say, but nothing could quite be useful then, he figured. All that was left for Spock was watching that man who was always so strong to him fall apart over Pike's body.  
  
And James couldn't think at all. He held Pike tight as the tears rolled freely, and his voice kept ringing in his head. Like in a horror movie. Repeatedly, beating him over. Crushing him down.  
  
 _It's going to be okay, son._


	5. Chapter 5

As Leonard walked the silent corridors, he kept thinking of what a mistake that was. He shouldn't have been that possessive, he should've realized that Elisa wouldn't take that shit. No woman should, really. But he just cared about her so damn much, and he was never good at showing his feelings the right way. Before entering their dormitory, he stopped by the door, hoping he wouldn't get _too_  screamed at. He had spent the previous night in Jim's dorm, since Elisa had gone back to theirs, and now was returning to get some of his stuff that he needed. When walking in, he found her sleeping heavily in bed.  
  
He couldn't help but just stare for an entire minute, as she was so peacefully tucked in in the dark blue covers. He figured it'd be better for both of them to cool it off for a while, rather than having him stay there until she woke up. It would lead to another fight and yet more tension. They should be apart for the time it took Leonard to figure out a way to make it right.  
  
After brushing his teeth in the bathroom, taking a shower and switching to new clothes, he packed his stuff, ready to take it all back to Jim's for however long they'd still be in the headquarters for. But before leaving the room, he just had to see her beautiful face once more. He crouched down beside her, knowing that about her that she didn't sleep much, but when she did, it was because she was so tired that a hurricane could hit and she'd not wake up.  
  
It was overwhelming that she was so close to him, given their last encounter, and moreover that she looked so peaceful. Not that he wanted her to be in pain, no, that was the last thing he wanted, but it got him thinking about how long it would take for her to be fine. Much less than for him, that's for sure. She was always independent, and didn't need anyone to take care of her, which is why he always felt so lucky that she let him in. It was hard for him to do it as well, so much that a part of him was just waiting for it to wrong.  
  
 _Best to stop thinking all this crap, it'll lead me nowhere_. Leonard placed a sweet kiss on Elisa's cheek, hoping it wouldn't be the last one, but knowing it would be their last nice moment for a while.  
  


*

The sun rose high in the day outside, but Jim looked down and tried to think of nothing. Tried to shake the thought away, and keep his mind at peace. Even if it was just for a second. He could barely remember what that was anymore.

When his communicator beeped, he came back to himself and shook his head, answering the call after a couple of seconds.

– Yeah?

– Commander – Spock started –, Mr. Scott has found something in the wreckage of Harrison's ship. He has asked to see us right away.

Jim then met Spock, trying to ignore the feelings he had towards him at the moment for professional purposes, and they both hurried outside to meet Scott.

– Captain! – he called – I found this in the crashed jump ship, sir. This is how the bastard got away.

– What do you mean? – Jim analyzed the small device.

– It's a portable transwarp beaming device.

– Well, can you figure out where he went?

– I already did, sir, and you're not gonna like it – Scott turned on the visor in the device, showing it to Jim. – He's gone to the one place we... We just can't go.

Jim rushed back inside, followed by Spock, and entered the room where Admiral Marcus was at, interrupting a meeting.

– He's not on Earth, sir – Jim called everyone's attention as Marcus stopped talking and turned to him. – He's on Kronos, sir. I request my command be reinstated and your permission to go after him.

– Give us a minute – Marcus told the men in the room after a while, walking to the corner with the other two. – Kronos – he confirmed.

– Yes, sir.

– So Harrison's gone to the Klingon home world. Is he defecting?

– We're not sure, sir – Jim replied.

– He's taken refuge in the Ketha Province, a region uninhabited for decades – Spock contributed.

– He's gotta be hiding somewhere, sir! – Jim intervened. He knows if we even go near Klingon space, it'd be all-out war. Starfleet can't go after him, but I can. Please, sir.

– All-out war with Klingons is inevitable, Mr. Kirk – Marcus replied. – If you ask me, it's already begun. Since we first learned of their existence, the Klingon Empire has conquered and occupied two planets that we know of and fired on our ships half a dozen times. They are coming our way – Marcus was silent for another couple of seconds and then turned to Jim and Spock – London was not an archive. It was a top-secret branch of Starfleet designated Section 31. They were developing defense technology and training our officers to gather intelligence on the Klingons and any other potential enemy who means to do us harm. Harrison was one of our top agents.

– Well, now he's a fugitive, and I wanna take him out.

– Pike always said you were one of our best and brightest. You should have heard him defend you – the Admiral smiled, as Jim grew pensive. – He's the one who talked you into joining Starfleet, wasn't he?

– Yes, sir – he answered in a low voice.

– Did he ever tell you who talked him into joining? – he asked Jim, wandering off for a while. – His death is on me. And yours can't be.

– Sir, please. All I...

– Mr. Spock – Marcus interrupted – You said the province where Harrison's hiding is uninhabited?

– Affirmative, sir – the Vulcan replied.

Admiral Marcus was thoughtful for another couple of seconds and then walked over his chair, getting closer to the two once more.

– As part of our defense strategy, 31 developed a new photon torpedo – Marcus proceeded to show Spock and Jim a hologram of said photon through his computer. – Long-rage and untraceable, it'd be invisible to Klingon sensors. I don't want you hurt, but I want to take him out. You park on the edge of the Neutral Zone, you lock onto Harrison's position, you fire, you kill him and you haul ass.

Jim looked at the Admiral and nodded silently, facing him for another while.

– Need anything else, Kirk? – Marcus inquired, and Jim shot a quick look at Spock before turning back.

– No, that's all. Thank you, sir – he nodded, before him and Spock walked away, though he proceeded to make sure to take a different path.

Marcus was left alone in his office for about another ten minutes, before there was a knock on the door, and Elisa peaked her head inside.

– Lizzie! Come in – he motioned his hand with a smile. – Is everything alright?

– Yes, it's just, um... Captain Kirk forgot to tell you, he's asked permission to reinstate Mr. Spock as his First Officer.

– Oh... Well sure, permission granted – he nodded, and she smiled in gratitude. Soon enough, though, she started worrying whether she'd regret doing that to Jim. – Are you alright? – he observed her look wearing down.

– Yes, yes – Elisa shook he head. – I'm just fine.

*

– Jim! – Bones called, joining Jim in walking towards the entrance of the shuttle that would lead to the ship. – Where were you?

– For what? – he answered, annoyed.

– Your medical exam! Ten hours ago you were in a damn firefight. Now my duty as ship's...

– I'm fine, Bones – Jim stopped and faced his friend.

– The hell you are – Bones replied, referring to both his medical and emotional state. They hadn't talked at all about what happened, but Leonard still wanted to confront his friend about it.

– I'm fine – Jim lied blatantly, knowing Bones wouldn't believe it, but not caring any longer.

– You're not actually going after this guy, are you?

– I will. And... Don't worry, I'll take care of her.

Bones was startled at that last sentence. Of course. They're going to a planet with an alien language, so Elisa's coming along.

– This isn't about her – he fought back, looking down.

– Yes, it is – Jim's answer had Leonard face him once more. – Now, I don't know what kind of shit you were thinking to do what you did, all I know is you two still love each other. And I'm hoping you'll realize that sooner than later.

– Look who's talking – Bones retorted, before walking away and leaving Jim alone with his thoughts once again.


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm really really sorry that it got so small, I just think the follow-up scene goes along better with the next one, which I promise will be better :)

– Are you still mad at me? – Elisa tried to look in his eyes, but he insisted on looking down. She hoped with all of her strength that her best friend would forgive her for what she had done, because she couldn't take passive aggressive.  
  
– No – he looked up at her, keeping his serious expression. – But stop trying to put us back together – Jim startled off, leaving Elisa alone in the room. She held a tear back, which she wasn't used to needing to do.  
  
Jim wasn't doing much better, of course. Like it wasn't bad enough that he'd lost his commander and friend just a day earlier, him and Spock weren't speaking at all anymore. And then Elisa told the Admiral that he wanted him back aboard the Enterprise, which wasn't true at all. Of course he wouldn't let his personal matters overtake his work environment, but it would've been good to have some time apart. When getting to the deposit, he found Scotty arguing with one of the securities.  
  
– Is there a problem, Mr. Scott?  
  
– Aye, sir – Scott agreed. – I was just explaining to this gentleman that I can't authorize any weapons on board this ship without knowing what's inside them.  
  
And then Spock intervened. _Of course he did_ , is what crossed Jim's mind.  
  
– Mr. Scott raises yet another point—  
  
– Report to the bridge – Jim cut him off, and so Spock nodded and walked away.   
  
Jim was about to jump at his neck ever since they were in the shuttle and Spock kept insisting they brought Harrison into custody, since it was protocol. He couldn't quite tell whether that was the Vulcan way of being passive-aggressive or if he was just being that professional. Jim himself could never tear those things apart so well. He could never be that cold.  
  
– Mr. Scott, I understand your concerns, but we need these torpedoes on board.  
  
– Due respect, sir, but photon torpedoes run on fuel. And I can't detect the type of fuel that's in the compartments on these torpedoes because it's shielded. Now, I asked for specification, but he said...  
  
– It's classified – the security confirmed.  
  
– It's classified! So I said, "No specs, no signature!"  
  
– Captain – Mr. Sulu called from upstairs. – Flight check's complete. We're good to go, sir.  
  
– Thank you, Mr. Sulu.  
  
– Yes, sir.  
  
– Now, if you'll excuse me, sir, I have a warp core to prime – Scott turned around and walked away.  
  
– Scotty! – Jim called, going after him – I need you to approve those weapons.  
  
– Do you know what this is, Captain?  – Scotty continued to run around.  
  
– I don't have time for you lectures...  
  
– Do you know what this is?  
  
– It's a warp core—  
  
– It's a radioactive catastrophe waiting to happen. A subtle shift in magnetic output from, say, firing one or more of six dozen torpedoes with an unknown payload could set off a chain reaction which would kill every living thing on this ship! Letting those torpedoes aboard the Enterprise is the last straw.  
  
– What was the first straw? – Jim asked confidently.  
  
– What was the... There are plenty of straws! How about Starfleet confiscating my trans warp equation? And now some madman's using it to hop across the galaxy! Where do you think he got it from?  
  
– We have our orders, Scotty!  
  
– That's what scares me. This is clearly a military operation! Is that what we are now? Cause I thought we were explorers.  
  
– Sign for the torpedoes, that's an order – Jim demanded loud and clear, startling Scott.  
  
– Right, well, you leave me no choice but to resign my duties.  
  
– What? Come on, Scotty...  
  
– You're giving me no choice, sir. I will not stand by—  
  
– Will you just make an exception and sign—  
  
– Do you accept my resignation or not?  
  
– I do! – Jim raised his voice. Scotty's expression washed away and he just stood there, letting it sink in – I do. You are relieved, Mr. Scott.  
  
Scott then nodded silently and approached Jim, handing him his file.  
  
– Jim, for the love of God, do not use those torpedoes.  
  
Jim met Elisa again, as they made their way to the bridge. It was a silent walk until they entered the elevator.  
  
– Scotty just quit – Jim let out, and Elisa promptly looked back at him. – And Spock's second guessing every chance he gets.  
  
– Why are you two even fighting, Jim? – she asked as she looked away.  
  
– Don't you see it, Lis? – Jim looked down at her – He... I just... I can't be with someone like that – he then looked away and waited a few seconds before speaking again. – I've certainly got more reason than you two.  
  
– Oh, don't you do dare talk to me about reasons, you were clearly just waiting for an excuse to run away! You're scared!  
  
– Scared of what? – Jim raised his voice like Elisa just had, but then the elevator stopped, and the door opened justly to reveal Spock behind them. The two then silently made their way out, leaving Spock wondering about the content of their discussion.  
  
– Captain on the bridge! – Chekov announced as Jim made his way to his chair, and Elisa watched him walk away, before getting to her own spot and fighting off her thoughts.  
 _  
Scared of admitting how you really feel, you selfish asshole. Just like I am._


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> HELLO I'M ALIVE and spirk still hurts. so does mccoster. also, new fem character, yay!

– Captain on the bridge – Chekov announced, proceeding to notice that James Kirk was walking his way.

– Mr. Chekov, you’ve been shadowing Mr. Scott, so you are familiar with engineering systems of this ship, correct?

– Affirmative, sir.

– Good. You’re my new chief. You will accompany Intern Pachis. Go and put on a red shirt – Kirk patted the younger one in the back and walked off, leaving Chekov startled.

– Aye, Captain – he said, a bit nervously. That was brand new territory, for him to command anyway. He was now in charge of the whole ship, and that was completely scary. But then he thought about how he’d get to spend more time with Thalia. And getting to be with Thalia Pachis under Captain’s orders couldn’t hurt too much.

– Channel open, sir – Elisa announced from her chair.

After straightening himself in the captain’s chair, Jim started out in his newly-acquired commanding voice.

– Attention, crew of the Enterprise. As most of you know, Christopher Pike, former captain of this ship, and our friend, is dead. The man who killed him has fled our system and is hiding on the Klingon homeworld, somewhere he believes we are unwilling to go. We are on our way there now. Per Admiral Marcus, it is essential that our presence go undetected. Tensions between the Federation and the Klingon Empire have been high, any provocation could lead to an all out war. I will personally lead a landing party to an abandoned city on the surface of Kronos, where we will capture the fugitive John Harrison, and return him to Earth so he can face judgment for his actions. Alright, let’s go get this son of a bitch, Kirk out.

As Spock walked out of the bridge, he encountered Elisa, and the two were then walking side by side after a small smile from her side.

– Miss Foster, if you do not mind me asking – he turned to her – Do you happen to know of the Captain’s vitals?

– His vitals? – Elisa frowned.

– I noticed he had been unwilling to report to his medical exams, and I was hoping Dr. McCoy has convinced him to.

– Oh – she sighed, a bit for pondering on her friend’s stubbornness, another bit for how Spock assumed she and Bones were okay. – Actually, I wouldn’t know. Bones and I aren’t speaking.

– I’m sorry, Lieutenant, I did not mean to intrude – Spock seemed disrupted.

– It’s okay, Spock – he smiled briefly. If anything, you know what it’s like to have someone you care for try to stop you from doing the right thing.

He didn’t really know what she was referring to – he was never told it had been her idea to expose their ship – but he could relate. It could not enter his mind how oblivious Jim was to rules, and how nettled he got when someone tried to act by them. Before he could respond, however, the ship shook harshly, destabilizing the two off of where they stood.

– Engineering manually dropped us out of warp, sir – Sulu informed on the bridge.

– Mr. Chekov, did you break my ship?

– Sorry, sir! – Chekov responded through the transmitter. – I don’t know what happened! The core overheated, we had to activate the emergency stop! It must be a coolant leak, we need some time to find it. Sorry, Captain.

– You know, – Thaila rushed to his side after Kirk signed off – you’re making my Starfleet reputation start off real bad.

– Let’s make it right, then – he grinned at the brunette.

Kirk had determined that Elisa and – a bit reluctantly, but knowing it was the right call – Spock would join him into fleeting off to Kronos. The three of them suited up and then headed to the shuttle that would transport them.

– We arrive at Harrison’s location in three minutes, Captain – Spock observed. – It is unlikely that he will come willingly. I calculate the odds of him attempting to kill us 91.6%.

Kirk sighed loudly, and rolled his eyes. He wasn’t exactly good at passive-aggressive.

– Good thing you don’t care about dying.

– I’m sorry, Captain, I could not hear what you said…

– Oh, I didn’t say anything. Which wouldn’t matter, cause it’s not like you’d ever listen to me.

– Guys… – Elisa reminded the two she was present.

– Captain, I would prefer to discuss this in private.

– You prefer not to discuss this at all, that’s what you prefer.

– Guys, are you really gonna do this right now? – Elisa spoke up again. – I mean, God knows you to can hold grudge.

– Just two seconds, Lis – Kirk looked back, and his friend sighed, closing her eyes.

– You don’t understand, Spock. The thing with the rule breaking and why I saved you. It’s because… Of us. At that volcano, you didn’t give a thought to us, what it would do to me if you died, Spock. You didn’t feel anything. you didn’t care.

The three remained in silence for a few long seconds, each sunk upon their own wonderings about the events of the last few days, and how they’d spun everyone upside down. Spock then began to speak, as he this time felt urgency would be important:

– Your suggestion that I do not care about dying is incorrect. A sentient beings optimal chance at maximizing their utility is a long and prosperous life.

– Great – Kirk breathed out heavily.

– Not your best game, Spock – Elisa chimed in.

– You misunderstand. It is true I chose not to feel anything upon realizing that my own life was ending. As Admiral Pike was dying, I joined with his consciousness and experienced what he felt at the moment of his passing. Anger, confusion, loneliness, fear. I have experienced those feelings before, multiplied exponentially on the day my planet was destroyed. Such a feeling is something I choose never to experience again. James, you mistake my choice not to feel as a reflection of my not caring. Well, I assure you, the truth is precisely the opposite.

James couldn’t help but smiling. Being affectionate for Spock had never been easy for how uneasy he made it with his way – but hey, maybe that’s what he always needed. A little challenge. At that moment, he promised himself he’d try harder. And then their shuttle got hit, so it was time to focus back on real life.


End file.
